Why did I REALLY use my real photos in lily's world XD?

The truth behind my teenage photos, my anxiety as a game developer, and my ex

You ever look back at your old photos and cringe? You might make a face, close the image immediately, and promise yourself to never look at it again.

Well, what if that was your full time job? Because for lily’s world XD, a game that utilizes pictures of my teenage self, I am constantly confronted with my embarrassing fashion choices, my poor makeup skills, and my exes (boy, was that a jumpscare when I came across that).

I thought I had become desensitized from staring at pictures of my younger self all day, but I recently had the idea to incorporate old videos of myself too. That meant watching my old, private YouTube videos, which has left me weirdly nostalgic and disgusted at the same time.

The decision to use pictures of my past self came casually. I’m not the best artist, so I figured I should use real images. I thought stock photos would feel too posed and I felt uncomfortable asking my friends if I could use their old pictures in horrific circumstances. I figured, I’ll use myself, and this will make for a cool developer behind-the scenes story.

I did not know at the time this would change the entire trajectory of my game.

By using my old photos, I subconsciously decided to tell my story. While lily’s world XD is a fictional story, it’s also about me: my actual insecurities, upbringing, and childhood friendships. Slowly, I changed the story to be about the way I can’t help but compare myself to others, the blog I had in middle school (that no one read), and my favorite music.

That’s what led me to watching my old YouTube videos on a Friday afternoon. The experience was strangely voyeuristic. I felt like I was watching a whole different person who somehow looked and sounded like me. I wanted to protect her, but I also wanted to tell her, “STOP FILLING YOUR EYEBROWS IN SO HEAVILY!!!”

Me at 18 years old

When I was in elementary school, I was convinced I would become someone. Despite no proof backing this, I knew I would do something meaningful, whether that was become a famous author, artist, or creator. As I grew older, that confidence shattered. I realized there were people way smarter than me. People my age accomplished much more than me. I was not extraordinary, I was painfully average.

But through lily’s world XD, that shushed voice has started to grow again. I’m not an amazing game developer. There are writers much stronger than me. I am not model-pretty, and I am not that smart. But with my game, I don’t have to be any of those things to shine. By celebrating life’s imperfections, I can turn my faults into a beautifully human game.

lily’s world XD will become my greatest creative achievement, and that is terrifying. The game started off as a hobby project. I told myself I was going to finish in 6 months. This was supposed to be a stress-free, fun game. Slowly, it has consumed my entire life, and the pressure to succeed is overwhelming. Videos about lily’s world XD have garnered millions of views and so many supportive comments. What if I let those people - and even worse, myself - down?

lily’s world XD is not for everyone. If you do not like reading, you will not like this game. You might find it boring. The game tells a disturbing narrative that makes you confront your past self, and that can be uncomfortable for many. The story may not be relatable at all to you.

To think that my hobby project is now my greatest passion is both joyful and stressful. I love working on lily’s world XD, but there are so many expectations which have partially taken the spirit out of game development. Will it be a financial or critical success? Why am I in business meetings all the time now? Is coding supposed to be this painful?

But by watching my old YouTube videos, I was pulled right back into who I was as a teenager. Before my creativity became a career, before I had to worry about whether I should go with a publisher, before other people consumed my art. I was emotional and dramatic. I thought I knew more about life than I did. I was reminded that no matter the success of lily’s world XD, this is a game for her. I need to shut up the voice in my head constantly evaluating whether players will like this and focus on her.

Balancing the business and personal fulfillment of games has been a huge challenge. Some days, I have to put my big girl pants on and convince important people lily’s world XD will be a massive success. Some days, I’m back to who I was when I was 16: unsure and overthinking. What has helped me most is keeping in mind why I make games: to tell stories true to my heart.

Anyway, thanks for reading this month’s journal entry. I assure you the next one will be emotion-filled too!