What's the point of it all?
Do I secretly hate game dev? My unfiltered thoughts as a full time indie dev
“If you enjoy games such as Doki Doki Literature Club, you’re going to love this,” I excitedly describe lily’s world XD, beaming into the bright lights and camera. Comments on the livestream read, “she has so much energy” and “woah she’s confident.”
I am here to tell you that I was a fool to say such a thing.
Because every day for the past month, I’ve done nothing but hole myself in my room, furiously coding and bug fixing the lily’s world XD demo, and I have no idea if the game is good. In fact, the only indication I’ve had of its quality is when I allowed one person playtest who aptly described it as “not fun.” And I think to myself, I’ve spent the past six months of my life to create something that is riddled with bugs and “not fun”?
This is the reality of game development that is often misunderstood by gamers. Before I was a game developer, I saw the glamor of The Game Awards, PAX, and BAFTAs. You hear about indie standouts like Stardew Valley and Undertale and imagine just how much money the creators must now have. I know I contribute to this perfect image too — winning the OTK Games Expo, attending the Arcane premiere, and having an online following — but most of my days are me, in sweatpants and a t-shirt, crying into my computer.
Game development is not fun. It’s tedious and difficult and frustrating most of the times. But then you get a sign — you’ve solved a problem in a creative way, you read a positive review, and that keeps you going. Or in my case, the crippling fear of failure.
I started making lily’s world XD because I wanted to tell the story of when I was in high school and spent all of my time studying instead of living spontaneously like a normal teenager. And somehow, through making lily’s world XD, I have become just like my high school self, who spends all of my time working instead of creating new memories as a normal 20-some year old. I’ve said no to hanging out with others to code the game, delayed travel plans, and now work way more hours than I ever did when I was employed in tech. The irony is not lost on me.
And still I continue, because some stubborn part of me needs to see lily’s world XD in the world. I am absolutely obsessed with my game. I feel genuine concern over my characters and delight in brainstorming creative ways to tell the story. I am that annoying person at every social function self-promoting. I am joyous when people express their interest in the game’s premise — yes, someone else understands why this is so special!
Yet, in the daily grind of coding, I want to rip my eyeballs out. I want to tear out every hair on my head, rip the toenails off my feet, and quit game development altogether. Then the moment anyone asks me about what I do for work, I earnestly say, “I make games, and it’s the best thing ever.” I mean it too, even though my day to day life is filled with suffering programming.
I don’t tend to share my development struggles on my social media (unless I’m making a joke) because well, I’m trying to get you to buy the game, and telling you that I’m late in my internal deadline and that the demo has issues doesn’t exactly fill the average shopper with confidence. I don’t share a release date for the same reason because I’m sure I’ll delay it; while it’s commonplace for games now, I’m trying to portray competency.
But the truth is, I have constant anxiety that lily’s world XD might not work out. I don’t know if I can accept a reality in which lily’s world XD is bad. A commercial failure, sure. But bad in quality? Nope. I’m extremely lucky that I get to pursue my dream job as a living, and to have the game be bad means I wasted this golden ticket. If lily’s world XD sucks, can I even call myself a game developer?
I’ve also been reflecting on my goals with lily’s world XD. When people ask me what I’m aiming for, I always say, I want lily’s world XD to be successful enough to justify making the next game. A huge challenge in game development is sustainability; I’ve already spent thousands of dollars (and hours), and if I can’t recoup that, I will inevitably have to change careers. I need to keep the lights on in my apartment somehow.
What I don’t say but feel is that I just need to get this story off my chest. If executed properly, I really think lily’s world XD can be special. I want to recreate the wonder and unfiltered expression of the early internet. Before we curated perfect social media profiles, worried about our follower ratio, and turned our hobbies into side hustles. In early YouTube, people created videos to have fun. Now, it’s expensive courses on how to make money off social media and huge companies running the internet. While I won’t be able to simulate this feeling exactly, I want to get as close to it as I can, at least through Lily’s perspective.
Behind the horror, lily’s world XD is a story about my most shameful and weird self, my childhood insecurities, and the possibility that other people could relate to that brings me comfort. Yesterday, as I had my one playtester try the game, he read Lily’s blog post, which shared a story about Lily being shamed for not having dating experience. He said, “I feel like no one would say this,” and I relished in replying, “THIS IS A REAL STORY!”
Because yes, when I was 16 years old, I was shamed for never having dated anyone, and I put that in lily’s world XD. Lily doesn’t just look like me, I wrote her based off my younger self. The same younger self who embarrassed herself in front of her crush, talked back at her teachers, and obsessively watched gaming YouTubers. lily’s world XD is an homage to our emo phase, our weird obsessions, how everything used to be a big deal, and a purer, more unrestrained version of ourselves.
Now, I want to clarify one part of my development. I call myself a solo developer because I work on all parts of the game, make all the creative decisions, and essentially own the game. But I’m not really solo, and most solo developers aren’t either. Just look at the credits to Daniel Mullins’s Inscryption, which has a massive list of 3D art assets he used. Temmie Chang helped Toby Fox with the art in Undertale. So I wanted to end this newsletter thanking some of the people who have helped with lily’s world XD so far. Kirk and Dex, thank you for tolerating me and helping me code the game. Thank you Kyle (playtester), Ashley (narrative editing), Joice (art), Richard (taught me how to implement yarnspinner), Caroline (taught me how to implement sound), Jared (for cheering me on and giving advice), Michael (for giving me a good idea), Sherveen (design consulting), Angela (who I co-work with), Lyn (marketing advice), Olivia (art), Katherine (solved a coding problem for me), and Fiverr freelancers (Harvey, Mark S, Cloudroad Music, Cierra, Cheung Ngo Chau, Fitri).
If you made it to this point, let me know if you enjoy this style of newsletter where I get more honest about development or if you’d rather just hear important updates/news/sneak peeks. Oh, and WISHLIST LILY’S WORLD XD AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO WISHLIST.
the world, especially the game dev world, needs more honest thought processes & blogs like these. so proud, and it's actually incredibly inspiring to read, because whilst i feel for you in your suffering, it's a little less isolating to know that i'm (and you, by extension) not alone in this. sending love and you got this - you can only do your best, and what you've made so far in and of itself has made myself (and countless others, i can assure you) extremely excited and happy, and dreaming of a lost, simpler, yet still terrifying/evocative time. <33
Thanks for posting this, Emily. I've been struggling with my own game project, wondering if I should continue it, why I should even bother with it, etc. I found a lot of comfort in this post. Looking forward to lily’s world XD when it comes out!